funny stuff

Chat about anything not Paso related here
Duck01

Post by Duck01 »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORK vs PRISON

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer ...

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. (usually?)

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
Duck01

Post by Duck01 »

Hey Red - thanks for the photo showing what goes on in the Aussie Outback, thought I would share it with the other members here............

http://www.abercon.co.uk/vtr1000/gallery/640.jpg
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Post by redpaso »

Duck, I reckon he looks like one of those Kiwi's that keep comming over here, funny stuff :laugh:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Redpaso
"My favourite peice of Ballet is a long sweeping corner"
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Post by redpaso »

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she notice a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Redpaso
"My favourite peice of Ballet is a long sweeping corner"
Duck01

Post by Duck01 »

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local Supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asks his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some moron wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

'And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'

'Fermanagh, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Fermanagh,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players up there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Fermanagh!'

The boy replied, 'No way! Who did she play for?'
Duck01

Post by Duck01 »

The Husband Superstore
---------------------------

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.A couple of
girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love horse's." The
women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job
or not loving horses, but I wonder what's further up?" , So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love horses, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love horses and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love horses,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are just f***ing impossible to please. The exit is to
your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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Post by redpaso »

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
Redpaso
"My favourite peice of Ballet is a long sweeping corner"
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Post by redpaso »

The WORK VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into
contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the
nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor
(WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones
(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best
equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is
DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy
(BEER) may be substituted for WINE but
may require a more generous application.
Redpaso
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Post by redpaso »

Just have to share this one with you guys.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't
see his old pal. Where's Christian?" he asked. He's at home, still
distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

:oops:
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Post by Skins »

:mad:

I hope you didn't make that up yourself, Red.
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Post by fasterdammit »

A dig on all the engineers in the house, and it even involves bikes ...

Two engineers are talking one day.

One says to the other, "Hey, I really dig your motorcycle. The exposed trellis frame, the desmodromic valve actuation, the naturally balanced 90º V-twin, the high exit, large volume exhausts ... I could go on and on! Tell me: how did you come about it?!"

"Well, old chap, one day, here I was walking along, minding my own business, dreaming up new equations, and this motorcyclist comes screeching up to me. It's a woman, in full leather riding gear. She skids the bike to a stop in front of me, shuts it off and dismounts. Then she proceeds to remove her leathers, her boots, helmet, gloves and throw them to the ground - and now she's completely naked. Then she throws her arms wide and says 'take what you want'."

The second engineer nods approvingly and says "Good choice; the leathers probably wouldn't have fit properly."
Just because you're not dead doesn't necessarily mean you're living, either.
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1997 Monster 750
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Post by Skins »

:thumbup:


Good one, faster! Kinda thought-provoking, in a slightly sad sorta way for a single man Ducati owner, but good all the same ...

:laugh:
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