Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.......

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution,
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".

>>An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in
>>a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and
>>the food exceptional.
>>
>>
>>"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
>>back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's.
>>Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much
>>that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
>>
>>
>>"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red
>>Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink
>>after you buy the first two."
>>
>>"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home
>>in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment
>>you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
>>then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when
>>you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs
>>and see that you get laid. All on the house."
>>
>>
>>"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually
>>happen to you?"
>>
>>
>>"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman,
>>"but it did happen to me sister."

:laugh:

Had a chuckle at that one, Duck.


What does DNA stand for?


- National Dyslexia Association.

those were great duck.wish i could remember them till tomorrow when i go to work.

Must be your turn to add some then Wiggs - same with that Aussie......... :thumbup: :thumbup:

How do you know when a clown farts?



Something smells funny

That is my favourite joke & about the only one that I actually remember, not even my kids laugh at it any more

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.



So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.



The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."



The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.



"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full." The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.



"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.



Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."



One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.



The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

A young guy from Mackay moves to Sydney and goes to a big "everything-under-the-roof-department-store" looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "I've done some retail sales work back home in Mackay."

After a bit of a chat, the boss liked the politeness of kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "One."

"Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

The kid replied "$101,237.64"

"$101,23764?!" the Boss exclaimed, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL HIM?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that 12ft twin outboard & trailer. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4WD turbo."

The boss said, "You're telling me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??! Oh my Lord!"

The kid says, "Well actually no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing'."

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?




- He lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

Here's a few to make you chuckle

Funny sunday school children

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

===========================

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he call it a poem. They give him $50."

The second boys says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

===================================

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied. "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

========================================

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother,"

she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

======================================

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and said, "Johnny, what is thematter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. It think I'm going to have a wife."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.

:laugh:


Two sausages under the grill. After a while, one of them says: 'My God, it's getting hot here!' After some time passes, the other one says: 'Wow ... I didn't know we could talk!'

Dunno if it's funny or sad, but I'd thought I'd share it with you ...

WHY MOTORBIKES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN


1. Motor bikes don't get pregnant.

2. You can ride motorbikes at any time of the month.

3. Motorbikes don't have parents.

4. Motorbikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share a motorbike with friends.

6. Motorbikes don't care how many other motorbikes you've ridden

7. When riding, you and your motorbike arrive at the same time.

8. Motorbikes don't mind how many other motorbikes you have.

9. Motorbikes don't care if you look longingly at another motorbike.

10. Motorbikes don't care if you buy a magazine with other motorbikes in it.

11. You can ride other friends motorbikes and still stay friends.

12. If you say bad things to your motorbike you don't have to apologise to it.

13. You can ride your motorbike as long as you like and it wont get sore.

14. You can stop riding your motorbike when you like and it wont get frustrated.

15. Your mother wont stay in touch with your old motorbike after you sell it.

16. Motorbikes don't get headaches.

17. Motorbikes don't criticise you if you are a hopeless rider.

18. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your motorbike.

19. If your motorbike doesn't look too good you can paint it and get new parts.

20. You can ride your motorbike the first time you meet it and don't have to take it to dinner first.

21. The only protection you have to wear when riding is a crash helmet.

22. You can boast in company what a great ride you had the last time you were on your motorbike. -

23 Nobody minds if your bike is 12 years old

24 If someone steals your bike the police will help you get it back

25 You can hit your bike with a hammer

26 Your bike doesn't care how long you've been wearing your underpants

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LOST CHAPTER FROM GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was
going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it!"

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An
arm and a leg."

(here is the lost part) Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire pit-crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the English Government's "Work For the Dole" scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews first practice session; not only were "da boyz from Bootle" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella's and a bottle of Babycham.......