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For Mc Tool

Mick Jagger sings "Hey you get off of my cloud"
The Scots sing "Hey MacLEOD get off of my ewe"


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During the recent financial crisis I hear they have found 2 new uses for sheep in New Zealand.

Meat and Wool.

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How do Australians find sheep in long grass?

Quite good actually.

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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looks up from the page and says to her, 'Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?'

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, 'Oh yeah? Prove it.'

He frowns for a moment, then says, 'Okay.' He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, 'Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?'

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You may not know that before I moved to the UK, I worked on a farm in New Zealand, shearing sheep.

One day I walked into the woolshed and to my horror discovered a workmate being extremely familiar with one of our woolly friends.

'MATE!' I said, 'you're supposed to be SHEARING that sheep!'

With a grin (and a grunt) he replied 'I'm not sharing Matilda with ANYONE!'


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An Aussie was taking his driving test and the instructor says 'Can you make a U-Turn'.

The Aussie replies, 'make her turn, I could make her eyes water'

An Aussie and a Kiwi were walking along a country road when they found a sheep with its head stuck in the fence , so the Kiwi , not wishing to miss a chance shags the sheep and then turned to the Aussie and said " now it's your turn " at which the Aussie bent over and stuck his head in the fence.

Yesterday the job of the day was crutching some sheep ( I live on a farm .... and not for reasons of convienience ) apparently this is to stop the shit from accumulating around their rear ends ..... I couldn't help but wonder the real reason why a farmer would think this was important .... wouldn't it be easier to just wash his pubes once in the shower than crutching 600 sheep , unless it was sort of like an ovine brazillian thing , and the cattle farmers aren't shy either ...apparently calves will suck anything

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?"
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on hisface and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."

Two NZ sheep farmers are flying the mob to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!"
SH2: "What about the sheep ?!?"
SH1: "Bugger the sheep !!!!"
SH2: (pause) "Do you think we have time?"

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up.
"Get up, boy," they said."It's time for your initiation!"
"Initiation! But how bad could it be," he thought to himself. "Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!"
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting.
"Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."
"Oh, no," he thought, "they couldn't possibly want him to..."but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the others were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.
"Oh, great," he thought, "now I've really been had." "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed do that with the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look
out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
them's honking the horn."

So it will be a wall calender with no sheep jokes,well maybe just one

How come you know so many (old ) sheep jokes , I didnt even think there were sheep in Pennsylvania , or did you just substitute Buffalo or Coyote or prairie dogs or whatever it is you root there , moose ? ( you'd need a box to stand on )

...whos the drongo that hyjacked this thread
in Pennsylvania you have those cuddly white-tailed deer...if you can catch them

not me ( this time ) ...................it was you

It was you cracked the door open Mctool, rest of us just walked through

Bullshit ! all I did was suggest that "an appropriate backdrop " might consist of something that comes in pairs , meaning of course a pair of hOOters , as is the norm for most male inspired calenders but Oh No ! some ( kiwi bashin sheep shagging , beer swilling underarm bowlin, "a dingo ate my baby") Aussie had to post a pic of his latest conquest and her best friend ( who is no doubt next on the list of things to "do" ) , you lot all get on the wagon an I get the blame , far canal ! ( how come the Welsh didn't get a mention here , and them A habs ..... I mean anyone who wants to import their sheep alive has gotta be doin' it ) (cunningly moves focus of attention away )

Mc tool wrote: beer swilling underarm bowlin,

Are you guys over there still bitter about that? The underarm bowling that is, not the beer swilling....

Cheers.

Nick.

nickta wrote:

Mc tool wrote: beer swilling underarm bowlin,

Are you guys over there still bitter about that? The underarm bowling that is, not the beer swilling....

Cheers.

Nick.

..... until someone in the world of sports does something worse , what a piece of shit ( bet he's got a real small dick )and he got an OBE , probly give one to Lance Armstrong next

the Aussies are a cunning bunch, if they need to bowl underarm to make sure in winning a cricket match...thats what they did back in 1981 ...now ancient history...like your Moa, that would have been your only animal that could possibly eat a baby...I mean could...if they weren't eaten into extintion themselves 500yrs earlier by the NZ settlers.

If you have a spare 8min this is the last bit of that dreadful day back in Feb'81 (a day kiwis will never forget)...and for the non cricket afficionados, to get a 6 you need to hit the ball clear over the fence...not much of a chance...but I guess we will never know
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ot5pybdJ_0

Year NZ is a bit unusual ecologically , if it wernt fot introduced species I think the only thing here with teeth would be fish life , and it wasn't settlers that ate the moa's and everything else you could catch without raising a sweat , and a quick look at those being prosecuted for plundering our fauna suggests its still going on.
Aincent history ... nah I can remember exactly where I was when I heard about 9-11, James Bulger ...................... and the Chappell bro's , some things shouldn't be forgotten ...תשאל כל יהודי

Mc tool wrote:and it wasn't settlers that ate the moa's and everything else you could catch without raising a sweat , and a quick look at those being prosecuted for plundering our fauna suggests its still going on.

I meant the early settlers...the hungry Maoris